What is recovery?
For me, recovery is just feeling ok. To feel ok and like I have some worth, I need to have the following things in place:
- Independent living (as in, living away from the parents' house)
- Employment
- Discharge from the CMHT
- Medication-freeness
Now, I've got the first one sorted, and I have the second one half sorted (providing that my employer decided that I am not dangerous). It's just the other ones I need to work on...
Now, possible? I think not.
- Mr Psychiatrist has decided that the drugs are a life-long thing (schizoaffective disorder doesn't just go away, apparently).
- Mr GP won't prescribe the wonder-drug that Mr Psychiatrist has intiatied. Initially he said until I had reached three months of stability, but he's now retracted that statement and has said that he won't prescribe it at all until prescribing advice for the drug has changed. That means staying under secondary care so I can get the things prescribed.
- They have a habit of locking me away if I don't take the drugs, so I can't just disengage. Christmas 2009 was spent on a locked ward and that is not an experience I wish to repeat.
- Mr Psychiatrist won't write me a favourable medical report when I try to go for full-time employment. Part-time is fine, apparently, but my brain can't cope with more. Bollocks.
Now, if we take into consideration that my psychiatrist is a locum that only sees me if they've incarcerated me or my CPN deems it necessary (i.e. when she thinks the disorder (as they call it) is winning and I am losing), it all seems very stupid. What about those times when I'm alright? When things are good and when I'm capable of functioning to a very high level? The head folk seem to miss those times, yet they're the one's that suggest I need the CBT to challenge my negative thinking patterns. Okay then...
They harp on about recovery, which would work (for me) if I was allowed to get on with that recovery. As it is, I'm hampered by the very people who're trying to help (or so they say).
Sorry to repeat what I'm sure you've heard before, but 'recover' is a long/slow process. It will probably take years without a bit incident for people to see you as stable/well.
ReplyDeleteBut aside from that, it really sounds like you need to get a second opinion for at least one of the docs. Preferably from the GP side if you're anxious to work towards CMHT discharge; though demanding a second opinion on the psych side wouldn't be bad either, perhaps you could find a doc who will help you work towards your goal, and hopefully one that would be willing to see you when you wanted.
You're probably right, as much as it pains me to say. Years feels like an awful long time.
ReplyDeleteThe CMHT aren't too bad. I mean, my CPN is quite useful with practical stuff when I can't deal with it, but I can't help but feel that in some ways it's holding me back.
Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm blaming my failings on the MH system because it's easier than looking at myself and seeing how I'm impeeding my own recovery.
I think, like the meds, what pisses me off the most is what it all represents. To be under our CMHT, you've got to have been labelled with a "severe and enduring" mental health difficulty. If I was discharged, then I wouldn't have that. It would be another label that I could disregard. As it is, I'm stuck with it and the negative impact that it has.
I'm on my second GP surgery and they won't prescribe it either - apparently the prescribing advice for our area is that it needs to come from secondary care.
In a way, I'm quite happy with a psych who doesn't care too much - the less I see him the better. It just annoys me that he decides what he thinks I'm capable of based on my worst moments, rather than taking into consideration the fact that I really am quite capable some of the time. Well, capableish :P
Do you talk to your CPN about this stuff? She should really be helping with this stuff. She should be an advocate for what you want (at least partly, of course she can't go for everything you want, but she should be helping you with lining the things up at least for the future).
ReplyDeleteI don't think this is just your failings. It's good you have goals beyond where you are now. And while it's likely going to take a long time, CMHT should be helping you get there. You do have some very recent stuff that's gone on, so it's probably right for them to be focused on just seeing you be stable for a bit. But they should acknowledge that you do have these goals and let you know what can happen in the future. It's possible that you will need to be under their care forever and that you'll have to take meds for the rest of your life, but I think it's unreasonable for them to be telling you that anything else is impossible. It will take time, probably a lot of it, but you and they should have a goal placed somewhere in front of you.